If you haven't seen me recently, I am at the end of a several month long beard growing contest, which I won handily. My opponent felt that his beard was becoming a detriment in his quest for love, whereas I am happily engaged to the woman of my dreams. As he had a 5 week head start, I have graciously extended my no trim period 5 weeks and 1 day before collecting my winnings. Having a large beard and a shaved head has had some interesting and unexpected social effects - increased respect from the beardless, a sense of community with other brothers of the brush, and, oddly enough, the assumption that I am a bear.

A bear, for the unenlightened, is gay code for a large, hairy, dominant gay male.

The Hundred Dollar Beard

Let me give you a little backstory. I like to work out, well, I like to lift weights. Cardio has never been my strong suit. For years now, my friend and compatriot Nick and I have lifted at the downtown athletic club, now a subdivision of Meritt Athletic Clubs. In years past, before Meritt bought it out, the DAC was baltimore's premier workout location, especially amoungst the preppy set. Membership was exclusive, and very expensive. Now, anybody can join, and while the facilities are still top notch, as is the price tag, the club has developed a clientel and reputation, which is, no other was to say it, largely composed of gay males. 

Honestly, this never presented any real bother to me, as I have no problem with homosexuals, and (for whatever reason) I never got hit on in the gym (that I noticed). Nick, on the other hand, while also firmly in the hetro camp, is like catnip for gay men, if gay men were extremely horny cats. Over our years there, he has been subjected to come ons, cat calls, dick peeping, propositions, and at least guy pointing at his raging hardon in the sauna, one eyebrow raised suggestively. Needless to say, I found all of this terribly hilarious.

During my period of beard growth, I was absent from the gym (no real reason, just got lazy). So when I walked down after work last thursday with Nick, I had no notion that anything would be different. The gym was quite busy, and as I walked through, I noticed a distinct change in the way I was regarded by the other patrons, although I couldn't put my finger on it right away. There were smiles, sidelong glances, and, out of the corner of my ear, I believe I even heard a giggle or titter. It wasn't until we reached the locker room that I understood what was going on.

Clearly, my beard had elicited a favorable reaction, as I now fit cleanly into the bear mold. This pretty clearly made Nick my "bottom" and/or "twink" as he has a slight build, and a boyish face. On the whole, the gym environment was quite a bit less hostile than usual, I am currently engaged in a spirited debate as to whether or not I should find some way to reveal the truth of the matter, and how one would even go about such an announcement. I put it to you, the readers: What's a bear to do?

UPDATE

I have been challenged to another beard growing contest, terms to be determined, by http://feelingsforbreakfast.blogspot.com/ 's husband, and my old college nemesis/roomate/friend Andy. Stay tuned for more.